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Who am I?




After a nasty separation and over 2 years stuck in the legal process, you start to lose your "sense of self".  Not only do you wonder how people perceive you, but you start to wonder how you are perceiving yourself.  I know who I am, and I know what I want...........but does it come across to others when they see me?  This is something that I very often think about.

 I looked into the mirror the other day and saw a woman staring back at me.  She had kind eyes, but they looked tired.  She had smooth skin, but it was dry and depleted.  She had platinum hair and.............well, let's be honest.......there's absolutely nothing wrong with platinum hair ;)  

I tried to momentarily step out of my body to see what others see when they look at me.  But of course I couldn't.  Because I knew the heaviness that I was going through at that very moment.  It was clouding my judgement.

I am a woman who has been through a lot and I  have every RIGHT to look tired and feel tired, but it is not how I want people to see me.  I've talked about my Leo-spark before........was it still there??  

I couldn't help but wonder.....could people still see the real me?  Or was my bright blue sky covered with fog and clouds? 


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A few weekends ago, I went out with some friends to watch a buddy of mine perform with his band.  

He rocked.......literally ;)  

After the last set, we went backstage and hung out with the band and a few other "groupies" :)   Within 10 minutes I found myself chatting with a very nice guy.  A firefighter.  I was surprised to learn that he too went through a lengthy divorce and also had 2 little girls.  The only difference was that he had already finalized his divorce and had a fantastic relationship with his ex.  

Without saying much to him, he sort of guessed at the challenges I was going through.   And he was right.  I told him how I was handling things with my daughters and what I was doing to keep my head above water.  I suddenly started feeling the heaviness again.  

But he obviously didn't notice because his next words to me were...

 "You've got a good head on your shoulders."

I was slightly taken aback.  I immediately felt the need to be humble.

"Oh gosh....no.  I'm just doing my best under the circumstances".

"Don't say no.  You do!  I've been where you are.  It's not easy.    You should be more confident in yourself.  You're doing amazing." 
I was shocked that this man, who I had just met, was able to see confidence in me that even I couldn't see?  

How was that possible?
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 The other day my sister took me out for dinner.  I was hoping for a quiet evening in........but that's just not my sister's style.  So an hour later, we were all dressed up and found ourselves in the trendy Bloor-West Village in Toronto.  We had stumbled upon a very cute Mexican restaurant and were soon drinking margaritas and eating fish tacos.  As we always do, we had soon befriended our super cute waitress and were stealing her away from her restaurant duties.  

 "So what are you guys doing after this?  Big clubbing plans tonight?"  she asked as she knelt down to get closer to us.

"Nah.  I'm super tired.  I'm actually shocked that my sister managed to drag me Toronto tonight."  I looked over at Mishi and smiled.

 Mishi then chimed in,  "Yeah I dragged her out.  She's going through a ton of drama right now and I wanted to remove her from all of that for the night".

 The waitress looked over at me with the sweetest and kindest eyes, and she said "Well, I'd never in a million years guess that you were going through anything yucky right now.  I see hundreds of different people every night, and I can honestly say that you seem so happy.  And you have an amazing energy about you.  So whatever you're doing, you're doing it right.  Oh, gotta run!  Wave me down if you want another margarita!"

 And off she went.  This pretty little person who just made me feel a thousand times better about myself.  

 -----------------------------------------------------

 I went home that night and after washing off my face, I looked in the mirror again.  


 This time I saw something different.



For the clouds had shifted, and I saw a small spark of sunshine. 


It's amazing how it took 2 complete strangers to help me see it :) 

 

  


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