COUCH FOR SALE.
Hmmmm...?
HUGE COUCH FOR SALE.
Hmm. Nope.
(delete, delete, delete)
Urgh! This is so hard!
JUST BUY MY F**CKING COUCH. THE OTHER ONES SUCK.
Yeahhh....not so much. I might get permanently booted off Kijiji.
Hmmmm.....
HUGE SECTIONAL SOFA FOR SALE!
Yes!! By George, I think I've got it!
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Two weeks ago I placed my gorgeous and very huge sectional sofa for sale on Kijiji. I have been thinking about selling it for a few months now. The couch is just way too huge for our small townhome. And the girls seem to end up on top of eachother when trying to play because there's no room. It just isn't the right fit for our family anymore.
But I just LOVE my couch. It's big and beautiful and very comfortable. And, as you all know.....I'm a hoarder. And I don't like to sell things. I just want to keep everything I've ever purchased. In fact, if I could, I would just store this couch somewhere and buy a new one....knowing that the old one was still close enough to touch. But unfortunately my money tree in the backyard has not started sprouting yet, so this is not really an option at the moment :/
One morning, I drank my coffee as I watched Lola and Molly play in the family room. They started arguing AGAIN because there wasn't enough room to play.
"Mommy!! Molly keeps coming on my side! Make her go over there!"
"I don wanna doe ovah daiw!! Dez no woom! Mate Lola doe ovah daiw!!!"
I sighed very loudly as I looked around for someone to blame for this ongoing problem. But of course no one else was around....it was just me and the girls. So I looked at the ginormous sofa which took up almost the entire family room. I squinted my eyes and whispered to it....this is all YOUR fault! You're too big! You need to get outta here!
There. I felt better. I went back to my coffee.
That afternoon, I took pictures of my sofa and created my Kijiji ad. Within days, I was overwhelmed with emails and text messages from people who were all interested in my couch. Clearly I created a phenomenal ad :)
The first few hits were low-ballers. Pfffttt! Who did they think they were? This was a stunning couch from The Brick! No stains, no tears and from a non-smoking home.....I was selling gold here!!
After I turned those folks down, I got an email from a woman named Pat. She offered a bit less but I figured I could get her closer to my asking price. She asked me to call her back. So I did. But I was surprised when I heard a man's deep and rugged voice on the answering machine.
Hey. It's Pat. I'm not here right now. Leave me a message. I'll call you back. Or maybe I won't.
EW! This guy was a douche. Not sure I wanted a douche to own my couch. He was probably going to do douch-y things on it. But he was the only one interested for now. I had to keep pursuing this if I was going to sell this damn thing.
After days of going back and forth with Pat, he finally agreed to come and see the sofa. He was coming all the way from up north (a 2 1/2 hour drive) so I knew it was a done deal.
But as we all know, ridiculous things happen to this Ridiculous Girl. And of course this couldn't be a simple event. The couch-pick-up day turned into a complete fiasco. Not only was Pat running 2 hours behind, but he still hadn't picked up a trailer to transport the sofa back home. I patiently waited trying not to sit on the couch so that it looked perfect for when he arrived.
I received a text from him while I waited.
R u ner Lowes
What is this guy talking about? And why is he such a bad texter?
I was getting frustrated but kept my cool. He was buying my couch after all. I texted back directions to the hardware store and then directions to my place.
An hour later, he emailed me.
Is Lowes by hwy 11
What is wrong with this guy? And why is he emailing me now? What happened to texting?
I finally called him. He told me that he wasn't good at texting and he preferred to email. Oh...and he had no GPS.
This guy was a complete disaster. I was selling my couch to a complete disaster.
My poor couch :( How would it survive with him?
An hour later, Pat had finally arrived. I ran to open the front door and was surprised to see a 70-year old man standing there.
"Hi. Sorry I'm so late! I'm Pat".
OOoooohhhhhhh. This made SO much more sense. He was OLD! Of course!! That's why he couldn't text! And that's why he sounded like a douche! I understood perfectly now! I suddenly had much more patience for him.
Well, until he said.........
"So, how big is this thing? Cause I couldn't get the trailer."
"You're kidding right? Pat! It's MASSIVE!" I led him towards the family room and waved my right arm over the entire couch........sort of like how Vanna White used to present the covered letters on Wheel of Fortune.
"Ah, no worries. We'll figure it out!"
Mama was at my home watching the girls while this whole disaster took place. I looked over at her with angry eyes and flared my nostrils.
"Let me just get my buddy to help me carry it out".
We went outside to greet Pat's buddy......who was actually his brother, and like....85 years old .....and overweight. "Dave"....slowly climbed out of the van and huffed and puffed as he greeted me.
"Hey" (hufff.....pufff) "I'm Dave!"
Oh for the love of God.
Dave barely made it up the 4 steps to my front door. Clearly it was going to be ME who was going to help Pat carry this gigantic couch out the door. I didn't prepare for this! I didn't even stretch for God's sakes.
But somehow Pat and I managed to lift and carry the couch to the driveway while Dave kept wheezing off to the side. At one point Dave asked if I was in my 20's....???
I replied, "Uhhh...no. I'm in my 30's"
"30's. Good years. That's great! (huffff)"
Again I looked at Mama and rolled my eyes.
After 45 minutes of shifting and maneuvering, Pat finally decided that only one of the couch sections would fit in the van.
No guff!! I wanted to yell "I TOLD YOU SO!" but decided to refrain.
He told me he would return later that night for the other piece.
"How late do you stay up?"
"Ummm....like, 11?? But let me know if you're coming, cause if you don't, I'm getting into my pj's and you don't want to see me in my pj's"
"Oh. I don't know about that" He smiled.
Oh geeze louise! Pat is a 70-year old FLIRT!
I needed Pat to go home.
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At 11pm, I still hadn't received any messages from Pat. So I sent a quick text before I went to bed.
I'm assuming you're not coming back tonight?
This was Pat's reply by text:
Ya tomoro jus kickd out drunk friends too bad couldnt get back tonite to c late nite wardrobe
I rolled my eyes as I pulled back the covers and climbed into bed.
The next day Pat picked up the last piece of the couch.
I received this final text from him later that night:
Ur couch is now verry happy again thanks let me know when u r traveling north and we will do cocktails
Pfffft!! This guy is crazy.
That money tree in my backyard better start sprouting soon......because it will be a VERY long time before I sell anything on Kijiji ever AGAIN!
Good bye my beautiful couch. And good luck to you!!
For more hilarity, check out:
Hi, I'm Leo. And I'm a hoarder.
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