Tuesday, 3 March 2015

Jessie & Veronica





Continued from last entry.....



Veronica

On Mama's last trip to Cuba, she decided to go alone.  She was slightly apprehensive at the thought of going to a new place without a companion, but I convinced her that she would be fine.  With her personality and outgoing nature, Mama would have no troubles meeting someone knew.

After her week away, our first question to her when she returned wasn't "How was the resort?"  or "How was the weather?" or "Was anyone else wearing the same bathing suit as you??" (a common annoyance for Mama). Instead it was "Did you meet any friends??"

Mama quickly responded.  

Now remember, don't forget the Polish accent....

 
"Oh my Lord, you have NO idea.  EVERY-BADDY vanted to be vit me.  I already knew 5 people coming off da plane.  Can you imagine?  Every-baddy was so nice.....but no one could beat Veronica".

I was listening to Mama while preparing 2 Folgers coffees.  I picked up the hot cups and slowly walked over to the kitchen table.

"That's great Mama!  I KNEW you'd meet people!  Who's Veronica?  A nice old lady??"

"Oh no!  Veronica vas dis young crazy girl dat I became, like, best friends vith.  We were togedder all da time.  She never vanted to leave me!  And she vas POLISH!  Can you believe dat??"  Mama stopped to take a sip of her coffee.

"Oh? She was young?  How young?"  For some reason this threw me off and I missed my mouth when trying to sip my black silk coffee.  The hot liquid split down my chin and onto my lap.

"Like tventy, I guess?  Vy are you making such a mess?  Don't you know ver your mout is?  Anyway, da craziest ting happened ven ve vere suntanning on da beach.  Dis guy comes up to Veronica and says "I didn't know you would be here?"  Turns out, dis is a guy dat she met on anudder trip!  She says she is not interessed in him, but I said to her "Veronica!  Dis could be fate you know!  Maybe he is da one??" .....




As Mama went on and on about her new best friend,  all I could think of was.....how the hell did Mama become Veronica's new best friend and protege, and even helped her find the man of her dreams, all in under a WEEK??  And on a hot, sunny beach of all places??  

What about me??  Did she forget that her first priority was to find ME a hunky beach man??  

This was entirely unacceptable.  Mama had a new best friend.....and it wasn't me.  AND on top of it all, this chick was younger that me!  This couldn't get any worse.


I took another sip of my coffee and missed my mouth again.

Dammit!





JESSIE


In the middle of choosing bananas at the grocery store the other day my cell phone rang.  I grabbed it and saw the caller's name.  MAMA.


"Hey Ma!  What's up?", I pressed the phone between my ear and shoulder and continued on my quest to find the perfect greeny-yellow bananas. 

"Nutting.  Vat are you doing?"

"Just shopping at No Frills.  Do you need anything from here?"

"Oh. You are at No Frills??"

Mama does this everytime. She repeats where I am, thinks about it, and then decides if this was a good decision on my part.

After a few seconds of silence she continues,

"Yeah I guess der are some good sales der dis veek.  I tink lactose-free milk is on sale?  And so is butter.  Do you need butter?"

"Um, no Ma.  Do YOU need anything?"  

"No.  I haf everyting I need.  So listen, I went to Jessie and Josh's last night.  Oh my Gawd!  He is really hilarious you know.  He answered da door vearing dis big sveater, but it vasn't a sveater, it has a huge blanket.  He said he vas really cold.  He looked like a bear!  I said to him Jessie, vat are you....a bear??  Ve laughed SO hard!!"

Jessie is Mama's OTHER new best friend.  A gay man who lives across the street from her and who has developed a relationship with Mama akin to a long-lost son.

I knew they were becoming close when I observed them together at my mom's Christmas holiday back in November.

"Jean!" Jessie yelled as he ran towards my mom, one hand holding a glass of red wine, the other hand motioning up and down towards her dress,  " You look fabulous!  Anyway, listen, do you know what's going on with that weird neighbor down the street?  The one we were unsure about?  Cause I think I have a theory."

Mama's eyes suddenly went huge and she leaned in towards Jessie.  "Vat's going on?  Tell me!"

"Wellllll, I'm just sayin'.....I see women going in.....but I don't see them going out.....?!  And you know how observant I am, right Jean?  I'm pretty sure he's a murderer."  Jessie lifts up one hand like a stop sign and rolls his eyes upwards as if to let the world know that he just figured everything out.

Mama purses her lips and slaps her thigh.

"I knew it Jessie!  I knew someting vas off!".



So......Mama's new best friends are a 20-year old and a gay man.  

And I was jealous.

And there was so way I could compete with this new talent.  It was impossible.
 

I know what you're thinking.  That I must be over-reacting.  



Really?  Is that what you think?

Then how do you explain the fact that my daily phone calls with Mama have dwindled down from 3 calls to a measly 1 call per day??  

How the hell can you build a relationship on only 1 phone call a day???



--------------------------------------- 




The other day, the girls and I were at Mama's.

Mama ran out of the family room and grabbed kid's clothes that she bought at Old Navy and excitedly showed them to me.

"Vat do you tink??  Amazing eh?  All for $2.97 each!  Der sales are de best!"

"Wow Ma!  $2.97???  That's crazy!!"  I was going through all her finds, "There are some good stuff in here!"

"Yeah I know.  But don't you luff da colours?"

"They're amazing!!  Thanks Ma!"

"Ok, vat about my hair?  I need to change da colour.  I'm sick of it you know!  Should I go darker or leave it like it is??"

I was sort of shocked that my mom was still wanting my opinion. 

"What do your friends think??"  I gave my mom a sideways glance to see if she knew where I was going with this.

"Vat friends?  YOU are my friend."  


And with that, I realized that it doesn't matter who is in my mom's life, because at the end of the days, I'm her daughter.   And nothing beats a daughter.  Daughters have a connection with their mom that is unbeatable.....nay.....UNBREAKABLE!  

I slowly began...."You're right Mama!  You and I will be friends forever!  BEST FRIENDS!  Super Polish sisters!......"

I looked over and Mama, who had already left me to go play with the kids.




Oh well.


Well.....at least she's tied to me forever because of the kids!  She's mine forever.....MOU HAHAHAHAHAHAA!!!!

;)









My fashionable Mama.  Playing at a kid's park.  Because that's how she rolls..... :)







Tuesday, 24 February 2015

Mama and her friends.






If you know me personally, then you most probably have met Mama, my hilarious and outrageous Polish mother.


If you have never had the pleasure of meeting her, then you most certainly have heard about her through my blog.  I very often insert comments about her endless advice, her fashionable style and of course, her hot red sports car.  

Since I was little, I always thought Mama was fabulous.  Not only did she look like a star, but she was by far the funniest woman I ever knew.  She always had ridiculous stories, outrageous theories, and punch lines that she could never remember.....which made the joke all the more funny.

And she was always the one to come waltzing down the stairs at our family parties dressed up as some gypsy goddess, covered in jewellery, and putting on the most hilarious show with her brother-in-law for all of us to watch and laugh.  And we did.


With an energy so contagious, it should come as no surprise to you that Mama seems to attract people to her all the time.

She is always meeting somebody new, and during our daily phone calls, she tells me her "new friend" stories.  But they are always so random and so all over the place that by the end, I always end up totally confused.

For example,

....and don't forget the Polish accent.....


"You know, I vent to take my car for a car vash today, because remember dat storm de odder day?  Remember all da slush??  Vell of course I had to drive into da biggest puddle you have EVER SEEN!  I vas so mad.  Anyways.  I took my car to Shell. Or vas it Petro Canada?  No. Shell. Because I had coupon for a free car vash.  Did you get dat coupon?  In da mail?  I got it last veek.  Go check your mail.  Ok.  So listen to dis.  I vas about to drive into da vash but I missed dat stupid ting you put your tires in.  You know, I don't tink dey design dose tings very well because you know how low my car is right?  It's not like your van.  You have no problem.  But my car, dat's a different story.  Anyways.  I finally got my tire in dat stoopid ting and I looked at da car driving out in front of me.  A lexus.  Remember dat voman I met 2 weeks ago at Vinners?  I told you about her husband who lost his arm in Germany.  He was der at da same time as Tata.  1945. Can you IMAGINE?  Anyways.  So she was in da kid's section and ve started talking because she has a grand-daughter who is 6.  Like Lola! Vat a coincidence! And den she told me about her Lexus and how she got into a car crash and dis guy scratched da whole back of her new car!  Can you IMAGINE?  So anyways, I see dis Lexus in front of me, vit a scratch and I knew it vas her.  I knew it!!  So after we were out of da vash, she was vacuuming her car and obviously I needed to vacuum too because of dis stoopid vedder. My whole carpet is covered in salt.  I don't even tink you can get dat out?  Can you?  Anyways.  So I get out and I say "Joanna.  Is dis you."  But I already KNEW it was her!  (Mama starts laughing to herself) And dis voman turns around and yells "Jean!".  Ve laughed SO HARD!  Anyways.  Can you believe dis story? And dat I recognized her car?  Dis is really unbelievable you know."




So.  I'm totally used to these stories. 

I hear them everyday.  No joke.  Everyday.

But if you are not used to this much detail, you are probably VERY over-whelmed with the number of facts that were thrown at you in one sitting.  So, please take a deep breath and meditate for a bit.  Gather your thoughts.  

I'll wait.


-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-

Ok.  You good?  

Awesome!

Let's continue.  


In a nutshell, Mama meets people everyday and everywhere.  People love her, they want to be her, and they want to be with her.

Now, normally I am very happy for my mom and her new relationships.  

But lately, Mama has made 2 friends that she seems to be talking about more and more everyday.

It started off small (like the above paragraph), but now the stories were getting longer, and the focus was only on 2 friends.



As she went on and on the other day about Jessie and Veronica, I started feeling something.  A weird tingling in my belly.  A feeling of unease and confusion.....

What was going on??

And then, I realized what it was.
 

GASP!!



Was I JEALOUS???









To be continued..........







Tuesday, 17 February 2015

Lights! Camera! Ridiculous Girl!







It was time.


It was time for me to do the unthinkable.

Time to do something that I have dreaded doing for the past year.

Something that I wanted to put off for even longer, but knew I couldn't.

It took a nasty text from Mandy, for me to realize that I could not delay this inevitable task any further.

Babe.  You HAVE to change your Ridiculous Girl profile pic.  I'm sorry, but the selfie's gotta go.  It's horrible.  I love you. xo


I sighed and threw my cell on the couch and went back to watching The Bachelor.  I knew she was right.  I just wish I didn't have to get my pictures taken.  Especially now.  With everything I was going through, the last thing I needed was a camera inches away from my face.....revealing the darkness under my eyes and the worry lines I had recently acquired from the on-going stress of a separation in court.



Ugh.  Why did I need pictures?

Why couldn't I just write my blog and stay behind the scenes.  People didn't really need to know what I looked like, right?  My description is more than accurate. Tall, blonde, red lips.  Wasn't that enough?

But according to Mandy, it wasn't.  My BFF and personal public relations guru, insisted that the world needed to link a face to Ridiculous Girl.

I went back to watching my show.

I would deal with this 'photo shoot' at another time.

But first, I needed to finish my wine and then go wander around the mansion in hopes of finding The Bachelor Chris Soules so that I could score a one-on-one date with him before the other girls could.



I know what you're thinking.

I'd probably need 2 glasses of wine for that ;)






------------------------------------
4 weeks later



"Oh my God!  I could see the professional lighting through your front window when I was parking!  This is so exciting!  Are you excited?? I'm SO excited!!"

I closed my front door behind Amy as she came into my front foyer.

I had asked my good friend to come over and help me with my hair and makeup on-set.....but I realized that I needed her instead to calm my nerves. 

"Aim.  I'm gonna barf."

"Oh stop it!  You'll do great!  C'mon, let's do this!" she grabbed my hand and pulled me towards the light.



As Amy and the photographer discussed looks and poses, I sat quietly on a stool waiting, and also mentally preparing myself for the shoot.  I repeated my favorite mantra over and over in my head. You're good enough.  You're smart enough.  And gosh darn, people like you.



For a girl like me who loves to dish details of her life without any filters, it is probably surprising to you that I hate being on camera.  I instantly turn stiff and uncomfortable.  This also goes for any situation in which I am being watched.......hence my inability to flirt and my general awkwardness in life.

But I don't necessarily see this as a bad thing.  

I would rather be slightly insecure in myself and in my looks than overly confident.  I think this strategy helps keep me real and grounded.  

I am also aware that beauty is in the eyes of the beholder......and I am the beholder every morning who witnesses my transformation from Gary Busey to Marilyn Monroe ;)










"Ok Leo, you ready?"

I stared at my photographer like a deer in headlights, completely overwhelmed by the set and by all of the attention that I was receiving. 

It was clear that at that moment, he was not going to get the shot that he was hoping for.

"Gimme sexy" he said from behind the lens.

I squinted my eyes and curved my lips into what I thought was a sexy smile.   

My photographer, who is also my dear friend sighed, walked into my kitchen and poured himself a glass of red wine.  Or at least that's what I thought.  He marched right over to me and handed me the glass and said, "Girl, you need to relax.  Drink this."

I know what you're thinking.

I'd probably need 2 glasses of wine for that ;)

---------------------------------------


Even though it started off rocky, the photo shoot ended up being an incredible success.  The feedback that I received from the pictures that I posted was just insane.


And I'm happy to say that it wasn't because of the effects of the wine....although that didn't hurt ;)

Sure I needed to loosen' up, but what turned things around was when my photographer finally asked,  "How do you want to portray yourself?  What do you want people to see when they see a picture of you?"

Well, that was easy.  

I wanted people to see a girl who could be completely ridiculous and completely glam all at the same time.  A girl who never takes herself too seriously, and who laughs at herself more than anyone else ever could.  And a girl, who's been knocked down more times than she can count, but continues to get out of bed every morning and work hard to show herself and her daughters that anything in life is possible.


And with that realization, the fears drifted away and my spark returned.  


And Ridiculous Girl suddenly came alive on set ;) 


-----------------------------------------


For me, overcoming a fear like that begs the question.....what will Ridiculous Girl do next?  

 
Well, I'm not quite sure where my path will lead me, but I have a feeling that this journey is just beginning.  


And what I do know is that at the end of the day, with the right attitude, the right people and the right lighting.....anything is possible ;)













Thank you Amy and Biren for patiently waiting and helping me find myself in front of the camera that night.  You helped me turn my dreaded task into a fabulous reality xo












Tuesday, 10 February 2015

The weather outside is frightful.



 

October 19, 2014

Ahhhhh.  Fresh crisp air.  Breathe it in!  "MMM....AHHHHHHH......."
What an incredible day.  
Nothing like spending a beautiful fall day at a pumpkin farm!  This is the best.


October 31, 2014

Oh how I love Hallowe'en!  Running around from house to house filling my bag with candy.  
I mean....filling the KID'S bags with candy :)
It's a little bit cold, and rainy.  Kind of wish it wasn't raining.  But that's ok!  Still a gorgeous evening!


November 8, 2014

Off to girls night!  
Hmmm....should I wear a coat?  Nah!  It's not THAT cold.  I'll just run into the restaurant really fast.

Oh shit....that's cold.  
That's ok though!  I'll survive!  I'm a tough cookie. 


November 16, 2014

Santa Claus Parade!  Yayyy!!!
Glad I bundled up.  It's nipply out here.
Still a fabulous evening!  Fireworks, music, Santa!  So much fun!
But damn...... my toes are flippin' cold.
I wish I remembered to bring my hot paws. 
Frig, that's cold.
I wonder how weird it would be to take my boots off and hold my feet against my hot chocolate.....?


November 17, 2014

A snow storm?
But it's only November 17th??
Wow....ok..... that's early.
It does look pretty though.
And our snowman outside is super cute.  Too bad Molly ate the carrot.  
I'm sure this storm was just a one-off.  Back to sunshine tomorrow I'm sure!  This will all be melted in no time :)


November 19, 2014

Snow day!!  No school?  Really?
This is kind of annoying.
Well, I'm sure we won't have ANY more snow days this year.  I will bet you a million dollars!


November 23, 2014

We are all sick.
I have no more kleenex.
I blame the snow day.  
For EVERYTHING >:(

 
December 24, 2014

Finally!  Christmas is HERE!  Yay!!  Something positive to distract from all this disgusting snow and cold!  I am sooo happy!!!


December 26, 2014

Christmas is over :(  I am sooo sad :(



December 27, 2014

I refuse to let this cold weather bring us down!  We will not be prisoners of our own home!  We will go to Santa's Village and have an incredible time!

Santa's Village is cold.
The horse ride stinks of poop.
We are covered in slush.
We have to pee in out-houses.  My ass gets stuck to the toilet seat.
I have snot-snicles.
I want to go home.


January 5, 2015

Another massive snow storm.
And another snow day.

As for that million dollars....I was TOTALLY kidding :/


January 13, 2015

Hair day!  Ahhh...I always feel better with freshly bleached roots!  
I look soooo fabulous!  I wonder if my hair will stay styled until tomorrow??

The wind and snow flattens my gorgeous 'do the second I leave the salon.
This is where I draw the line.
Nobody messes with Leo's hair! NOBODDYYYYYYY!!!!!



January 29, 2015

I can't see the road!!
Am I even driving on the right side??
Is that a moose?? 
Oh my God....did I just run out of windshield washer fluid??  
SCREW YOU WEATHERRRRRR!!!


February 8, 2015

Another storm.  You can handle this Leo.  Take a deep breath.
It's almost Spring....


February 9, 2015

I slowly walk to my bedroom window at 7am.
"Please don't let there be snow outside....please don't let there be snow outside...."
I look at the end of my driveway which has 2 feet of hard snow piled up from the snowplow that went by earlier.
I walk away quietly with my head down.

"Mommy??  Are you crying??"



February 10, 2014


"Bruce Lee!  Bruce!  Brucie!  Where are you buddy?  Let's go for a walk!!"

"Bruce?"

"BRUCE!!"

I walk into the family room and see Bruce Lee hiding under a blanket.  Only his little nose is poking out.  

And I finally realize that Bruce is the only one who's handling this weather correctly.



So if you need me, I will be hibernating like Bruce until winter is over.

See you in Spring suckers!!
















Tuesday, 3 February 2015

I am NOT just a girl. Well......




In the last 10 minutes of Sunday's 49th Super Bowl championship, by overcoming a 10 point deficit, Tom Brady brought victory to the New England Patriots with a 28-24 win over the Seattle Seahawks.


Sounds like I know what I'm talking about right?  

Well I don't.

I have no interest in football whatsoever.  

Yet, for some strange reason, I cannot go a single year without missing the Super Bowl. 

The excitement and adrenaline of the match combined with the best concert of the year is enough to have me hooked on a sport that otherwise never interests me.

And I know absolutely nothing about football. 

Absolutely nothing......


-----------------------------------------------

Fall 1996





"Hey Leo!  Wanna join us??  We're going over to the field to play."

I looked over at my roommate who was standing at the front door.  He was wearing a track suit and holding up some sort of large and brown ball. 

"Ummm.  I don't know?  I was about to cook some perogies.....and 90210 is about to start...."  I waved my right hand towards the TV in order to exaggerate the importance of watching my show.

"Oh come on!! You've watched that show a million times!  Let's go!  It'll be fun! I'll wait outside for you."

He walked out, and our shotty screen door slammed behind him.

I rolled my eyes as I threw the bag of frozen perogies back into the fridge.

How I hated when my friends tried to get me to work out with them.  First the debacle of 1995 when the instructor had to stop the step class in order to walk me through each step while everyone else impatiently watched....and now this.  

Football.  Ughhhhh.  


Well, if I was going to do this....I might as well do it in style.

I quickly ran upstairs, put my long blonde hair in a pony tail, threw on a cute sweater with our university's name across the front, and applied some red lipstick.


The screen door slammed behind me and my roommate stopped throwing the football in the air to look at me.

He laughed and shook his head.  "You're too much!  C'mon, let's go!  Everybody's waiting for us." 

Within 10 minutes we were on the field and getting ready to play.  

We were given our positions (I forgot mine the second they told it to me) and then someone yelled "Ok!  Are we ready?  Let's PLAY!!"






I suddenly panicked.

"WAIT!!"  I screamed.

My friends all looked over at me.

"What do I do if I get the ball??"  I asked nervously.

As if pre-planned, they all simultaneously yelled, "RUN!!!"




The game began.  I wasn't really paying attention.  I was just running around aimlessly, yelling when others yelled, and getting angry when others got angry.  

I found myself screaming at one point "DAMN YOU FOUL BALL!  DAMN YOUUU!!!"  I had no clue what I was saying.



But then, I heard it.  Someone screaming my name.  

I looked up into the sky and saw that large brown ball hurdling towards my face.

Gasp!!  This was it.  This was my chance to prove that I wasn't just a girl.  That I could wear red lipstick and be feminine and still score a touchdown (whatever that meant). 

This was it!!

I felt like it was all happening in slow motion.  I took a deep breath, looked up, raised both of my arms and watched through squinted eyes as the ball connected with my hands.

Oh my God.  Oh my God.  I did it!  

I caught the ball!!  I CAUGHT THE BALL!!

I stood there with a huge grin on my face holding the ball tight to my chest.  I couldn't believe it!  I felt so good.  So strong.  

I showed them!  I wasn't just a girl.  I was a FOOTBALL PLAYER!!  I could do ANYTHIN.......

"LEOOOOOO!!!!!!!" 

I turned around to see who was yelling my name, but was shocked to see an army of people running towards me.  They looked angry.  VERY angry.  Why was everyone so angry in this game??



I looked around in panic and finally caught the eyes of my roommate.  And again, everything switched to slow motion.   As he slowly (quickly) ran towards me, he was mouthing the words (yelling) "RUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!"

Run??  Run WITH the ball???  He MUST be joking.

Because everything was in slow motion, I had a few seconds to think about things.  I could take the ball and run with it and try to score a touchdown (whatever that was) and prove to the whole world (my group of 12 friends) that I was not just a girl and I could actually play a sport.


Hmmmm...?


Nope.


Instead, I did what came naturally to me.  I screamed, threw the ball on the ground and ran back home.





I think I'll stick to what I do best when it comes to football.  Watching the Super Bowl once a year and proudly announcing to all my friends the following day who won and who made the winning play in the last 10 minutes.



And when it comes to being 'just a girl'.....I'm totally ok with it.  Because at the end of the day, you have to define your own path as a girl.  My path will probably never lead me onto a football field again.  Let me rephrase...my friends will never lead me onto a football field again ;)


Anyway, there are some women out there who kick some serious ass on the football field.  And I commend them.  But today, I leave you with a video of my own platinum icon who had her own way of showing that she was more than 'just a girl' at the Super Bowl.....



Enjoy ;)







Tuesday, 27 January 2015

It's science.



A couple weeks ago, on a Saturday night, I went to my BFF's for dinner and drinks.  We stayed up late chatting with her hubby when she started telling a story.  But in the middle of her story, she laughed and then abruptly stopped talking.
I didn't understand what had just happened.

I looked at her with a confused look....and then at her hubby.

"What's wrong?"  I asked.

She laughed.  "Oh nothing!  Mike just doesn't like when I swear!  He doesn't think ladies should swear."

"You swore??"

I suddenly realized that I was the only one in the room who wasn't phased by her gratuitous language.

I looked over at Mike and asked, "Why don't you think ladies should swear??"

He answered casually, "Well.....it's just not very lady like, and I don't find it attractive."


And this conversation all came just a few days before I got a text from yet another girlfriend who wrote that she was trying not to swear as much.



I only had one response to both of these situations:



What the fuck was going on?


Swearing to me is not something you can just stop doing.  It's a way of life.  It's a way of de-stressing.  And I believe it's super healthy.

And for those of you who disagree, I bring your attention to several articles written on this topic.  The first article is written by Frederik Joelving entitled "Why the #$%! do we swear?". 


I know what you're thinking.  

No....I did not make this up....even though the author's name DOES look like something I would throw together for the purpose of a joke.  

And I would say it with a German accent.  Or Swedish.  Probably Swedish.  


Anyway, I digress.  The article tests the theory that swearing actually alleviates pain in uncomfortable situations.  Out of a group of individuals who were forced to keep their hands in ice-cold water, the ones who were allowed to curse throughout the process, were able to withstand a longer period of time in the water than the ones who were not allowed to swear.

I found this article in the magazine Scientific American, in the Mind & Brain section no less.

See??  Swearing is pain relief!  It's proven.  

It's science!


The second article I found on CBC News was entitled "What the....?"  and shows that swearing on the job can reduce stress and boost employee morale.  

Professor Yehuda Baruch, professor of management, states:

"Swearing was [seen] as a social phenomenon to reflect solidarity and enhance group cohesiveness, or as a psychological phenomenon to release stress."


I'm not making this up!  Although once again, the professor's name totally looks like something I would make up.


By the way, that article was in the Technology & Science section of CBC news.  So again, I must point out that this is all science.  You can't argue with science.

So in conclusion, for all of my friends who are trying to stop swearing, you are doing yourselves an injustice.  

Perhaps do what I do and hold back on the swearing in front of the little ones and elders.  We don't need a bunch of 3 year olds and 90 year olds dropping F-bombs everywhere....."Where's my F'ing DIAPERRRRR?!!!"  Can you imagine?

But for every other stressful situation, like when you're stuck in traffic, or shoveling snow, or you notice a pimple on your nose right before an important date.......swear!  Swear like you've never sworn before.  

I'm telling you....you'll feel a million times better.

You know why??

Because it's fucking science.  That's why ;)






Articles referenced in this amazing fucking blog:

Why the #$%! do we swear?

What the ...?

Tuesday, 20 January 2015

The year of the butt.




 Show of hands.....how many of you absolutely LOVE your body??

Ok....I just realized that I can't see you.

So I'm going to assume that only a few of you actually raised your hands.

If it's more than what I think, then awesome!  If it's less than what I think....then....uh-oh :(


My body is far from perfect.  Things aren't as perky as they used to be.  Things aren't as toned as they used to be.  And there are lines where there shouldn't be lines.  But heck, 2 children used my body as an apartment for almost 2 whole years of my life, and as we all know, tenants tend to be a little rough with a home that is only temporary to them ;)

Anyway, I'm not talking about the changes your body goes through after this said "residency".....what I am talking about is your body SHAPE.

I am a pear.

At least that's what Cosmo tells me.

If you are a pear like me, then you have a small upper body and a big badonkadonk.


Growing up, I always hated my body.


I was incredibly self-conscious of it. Tall girls weren't supposed to have big butts.  They were supposed to be sleek and slender.......all over.  At least that's what I thought.

It took me a LONG time to finally accept my pear figure. 

And thanks to the bootylicious bods of Kim Kardashian and Nicky Minaj, I'm pleased to say that the butt is BACK!


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A couple months ago...


"Lodz!  Look at this picture of Kim Kardashian in Paper Magazine.  Look at her ass!!?  Isn't it crazy!"

I glanced over at my sister's phone and a very glossy and shiny posterior was staring back at me.

"Yowza!  That's massive!"  I said almost spitting out my coffee.

But even though I was completely shocked at the image, I couldn't stop staring at it.

It was like a car crash.

A HUGE car crash.

A MASSIVE pile up.
 

"I'm telling you Lodz.  This is YOUR year", Mishi said while nodding her head towards her phone.

"What do you mean?"  I looked up at my sister confused.

"It's the time for big asses to shine! Like yours!  This is YOUR time to shine!".

I took another sip of my coffee, looked down at Kim K and her shiny beast, and I noticed that my quizzical face had quietly turned into a little smirk....

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Over the past few years, I have really grown to appreciate my body. Imperfections and all.

I think it's mostly because I have young and impressionable daughters who are watching my every move....and who, for their own sense of confidence, need to hear that Mommy is happy with who she is and how she looks.

I mean, that's what I had growing up.  A fabulous Mama who to this day has never once complained about extra weight, or wrinkles, or cellulite.  And who is probably the reason why I have a healthy relationship with how I look.

And at the end of the day, it's about how you feel about your body.....not what other people think, right?

Hmmm.

Then why did I get a bit of a rush in seeing this crazy Kardashian flaunt her most famous asset?

And like Mishi said, was it really my time to shine?  Was it the year of the butt? 

I couldn't help but wonder, if you are confident in who you are and how you look, why did we still need that extra boost of approval?  That extra sense of security that lets you know that you are accepted.

Isn't it enough to just love yourself?

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I'll never forget, about 15 years ago, leaving a club one night with my sister and my cousin.  Both girls were tall like me, but super skinny from top to bottom....unlike me.

We ran out of the club laughing and dancing when we suddenly heard a group of guys calling out to us.  I felt giddy and happy that they had chosen us to talk to.........until they made a not-so-nice comment about my butt.

My heart sank.

My sister looked at me and said, "Don't listen to those guys.  They're idiots."

I knew in my heart that I shouldn't care what those guys thought.  But I did. And it felt awful.

 

I came home that night feeling horrible about my body.

But even worse was knowing that one stupid comment from a stranger had changed my mood and how I felt about myself.

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I think at the end of the day, we ALL want approval.  We all want to be loved and adored.

But there will always be people who will dislike the way you look. 

Sure, I got a rise from Kim K and her perfect booty.  But maybe not for the reason I initially thought.

Perhaps I just loved that she loved her body. 

And to be able to just put it out there knowing that there would be people who would hate it and make horrible comments.

To love yourself and not care about the haters.......well, that's really something.  Especially for a girl.



Because the year of the butt will not last.    Next year it might be the year of waif.....or the year of the brunette.

And let's be honest.....God knows that I won't be able to achieve either of those!

So for now, I will revel in the spotlight and enjoy "my year".  And for anything that follows, I hope my love for my body will never again be out-weighed by comments from the cheap seats ;)