Thursday, 19 October 2017

Cold day of horror.




I am happy to report that summer is finally gone and fall is officially here!!  YAYYYYY!!

Long, hot, sunny days have given way to cool, wet, damp mornings.

MMMmmmm…...aaaahhh!  

Breathe in that crisp, fresh, nose-stinging air…..isn’t that just glorious??

Oh, and don’t forget to put away all of your summer stuff!!  Hats, bathing suits, flip flops and sun tan lotion ......or oils for us 70’s babies!  Pack that shit all away!!  

And wipe the dust off of those huge Tupperware containers filled with your winter clothes which are buried deep in your basement storage.  

Time to pull out your knits, parkas, scarves, suede booties, UGG’s (or UGG'LIES as boys like to call them).......and cover yourself head to toe in preparation for the non-allergy, non-ragweed, and non-sinutab weather!  

YIPPPIEEEEEE!!!









Wait.  What was that????

You’re not happy that summer is over???  

You already miss the beach???

You actually LIKE wearing flip flops??

GASP!!!

I can’t believe I’m hearing this!

I thought everyone was sick of the summer by now!?  You don’t all feel like me???

Well,…..I guess you’re entitled to your own opinion.  I guess….. :/ 




I mean…..it’s the WRONG opinion.  But that’s ok.  You’re still entitled to it.


I personally have always LOVED the transition from summer to fall.

By the time the magical month of September arrives (also my birth month – go figure!?), I am ready to say good-bye to the heat and hello to the cold, stay-in-all-day-snuggling-watching-Netflix weather!

I have felt like this for a very long time.

As long as I was a wee-little bowled-haircut Polish kid growing up in Toronto.

But I have to tell ya folks.........that just last year..... something horrific happened that almost destroyed my love for the fall.  


Something SO ghastly that I’m almost afraid to tell you about it. 


But alas, I will.


Afterall, you should protect yourself from the horror that I had to endure……




Last year.  Cold day of horror.



It was a brisk fall day.  I had just taken the children to run some errands.  I waited patiently for my 6 year old to put on her seat belt (which every mom knows is the most annoying and the longest task you could ever ask your child to do).  As I waited and waited (it honestly felt like 17 hours of her fidgeting), I finally turned around and said “Molly sweetie, what’s taking you so long?”.  When I suddenly noticed a small chunk missing from her seat belt.  What the heck!?

“Molly!  What did you do to your seatbelt??” I said (after I GASP’d very, very loud)

“I didn’t do any-fin!” she yelled, finally giving up on her seatbelt and picking up her Merliah barbie to play.

I quickly jumped out of the car and went to the back seat to further inspect the damage.   

I carefully studied the seat belt as an inspector would do.  Kind of like Inspector Gadget…………..but………without the gadgets.

What a strange, strange thing,  I thought to myself as I stared at this tiny little notch.  How the hell did Molly do this???



The next day, while running errands again, I threw something in the back seat......only to find yet ANOTHER chunk missing from my vehicle!!?

A small hole near the kid's cup holders, which was now white from the foam behind it, rather than black as the rest of my sexy car interior. 

What in God’s name was going on?




I sat watching Netflix that night whilst using my Inspector Gadget skills to try and figure out the car hole mystery.



When suddenly it hit me!



I HAD A MOUSE IN MY CAR!!!!!!



You’d think that I’d be paralyzed with this discovery...... but there’s something that you guys should know about Ridiculous Girl folks.  

There is VERY little that I am scared of.  

I’m not scared of the dark......I’m not scared of spiders........ and I’m definitely NOT scared of a teeny, tiny, little mouse.



I immediately jumped off the couch, paused Orange is the New Black, and went to WORK!


I threw open my fridge door, grabbed a hunk of marble cheese and started chopping.  I chopped like I had never chopped before.  There were flames coming off my knife, that's how furiously I was chopping!  I only stopped to wipe the sweat off my brow! (and then I wiped off part of my drawn-on brow.....but even THAT didn't stop me!!)


Once I had about 17 pieces of marble cheese perfectly chopped (which I thought was the perfect amount to “lure” a dangerous animal like this)... I then ran to the garage to find a deep bucket and a 2 foot long piece of wood.



My buddy Mike once showed me how he caught a mouse humanely.  

For even though I am not scared of mice, I certainly don’t want to kill them! I just would like to kindly re-locate them to a new, more mouse-friendly neighborhood.  And this way, I would hope that all of the other mice would see what a nice person I am and would tell all the other mice to leave the nice, blonde girl alone :) 

After I grabbed the bucket and wood, I ran with my supplies to my car, jumped into the back seat, and began my process.



I carefully scattered the cheese pieces into the bucket which I put on Molly’s side of the car.   

I then strategically placed the plank of wood from the seat up to the bucket.  The goal here was to get the mouse to climb up the plank, fall into the bucket and then VOILA!  Mouse will be caught!!


I would then delicately take the bucket (filled with said mouse), bring it to the forest behind my home, and release him.  THEN.....I would receive a standing ovation from all of the other little critters in the neighboring fields.


I smiled to myself as I gently closed the car door and ran back inside the house.





And now……..we wait.





I checked back on the car several times.


But each time I was disappointed.  


No mouse.



I finally gave up and went to bed.  It was late after all.  


8:45pm.



The next morning I woke up like a kid on Christmas!

I ran down the stairs excitedly in my pj’s, threw on my uglies (I mean, UGGs), and ran to my car.

I threw open the back door of the car…………..only to find the most disturbing thing that I had ever seen.




An empty bucket.


With no mouse.





Ladies and gentlemen............I HAD BEEN PLAYED!!!!!!









To be continued......




Sunday, 1 October 2017

Slime.




As a single mom will know.............


Wait....let me start again.


As ANY PARENT will know, the key factor to how happy you are, is how happy your CHILDREN are.

When your children are happy, then life is absolutely blissful.  

Your day is filled with laughter, you frolic in the garden playing with butterflies and your overall appearance is more youthful......and beautiful.


I will now insert a huge EYE ROLL....because this almost NEVER happens.


Most of the time my kids are disappointed with my snack choices (healthy vs. laden with sugar), frustrated with me forcing physical activities on them ("but why can't we just watch NETFLIX all day???") and angry with each other ("Lola didn't say anything but I KNOW that she hates my outfit (wahhhhhhh!!!!)")


In all of these situations I have perfected the eye roll.  

If you need any help in this department, I have begun courses at the local college to help parents deal with their ridiculous kids.  My first course is called "Eye Roll 101".  If you complete that course with honours, then you graduate to "Adding effective sounds to your eye roll".  That's my favourite course by the way.  You'll learn quickly and effectively how to add an "ugh", "pppppfffftttt" or "sigh" to that eye roll to truly bring your point home.


Anyway, where was I??  Oh yes......


It has been my goal as a mom to do whatever I can to keep my kids happy and entertained despite ALL of the obstacles working against me.



Many of you moms out there are crafty moms.  I salute you.  You don't even know the advantage that you have in parenting.  You have the knowledge and creative ability to keep your kids entertained for hours with fabulous arts and crafts projects that the average mom could not even fathom.


My idea of arts and crafts is "Here are some colouring books kids.  Have fun!" and pray to God that they will colour for 3 hours quietly while I clean my entire house.  


So far I've only scored about 10 minutes.  Insert eye roll with a "guhhh".


But luckily for me (or unlucky for me), I have an 8-year old who is VERY motivated and will research her own arts and crafts projects on Kids YouTube.

The most recent one she brought to my attention was SLIME.


When she first asked me to help her make slime, I was completely overwhelmed.  How the heck was I going to make slime??  And WHY??? Why make slime??  It made no sense to me.


But Lola, being the young leader and entrepreneur that she is, presented to me several YouTube videos that showed slime making as the most delightful and colourful project in all the land.

Even I was mesmerized by the video which was made by a beautiful, young 16-year old girl, with an English accent and the most gorgeous manicure I had ever seen!?  

I almost felt that if I made this slime, I too would become young and beautiful with sparkly pink nails.

I was sold!


We were MAKING SLIME!!


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------


Our first attempt was not successful.  Lola cried her eyes out as the slime refused to coagulate.

But we didn't give up!

Our second attempt gave a slightly better consistency.  

But still not perfect.

By the third try, we had it DOWN!!


We had soon become completely OBSESSED with making slime, and it became an almost daily event.


Lola (again, my little entrepreneur), had soon begun making batches for her friends at school.

We were making different colours, different sizes and incorporating different glitter effects. 

We rocked at this whole slime thing!  


Even the parents at school were commenting at our new talent (and perhaps a new business venture in the near future???)


My kids were happy.  I was happy.  There were no more wars in the world.  Life was perfect.


Until........I noticed something strange about all of the kids clothes.


There were tiny little stains all over every single outfit that they had worn over the last 2 weeks. 

Then I noticed a weird hard gloop matted into my family room area rug.


It wasn't until I saw a small turquoise blob hardened on my beautiful grey couch that I finally put 2 and 2 together.


I had been.....SLIMED!!!  

Insert the longest and largest eye roll you have ever seen.  Along with a mouth wide open (that's from the 3rd course by the way.)


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Things went completely down hill after that.


On one occasion, Molly's slime had somehow exploded in her face.  I ran down the stairs only to hear "IT'S IN MY MOUTH!  I CAN TASTE IT!!!!"


And THEN, a batch of slime that Lola had made for her friend Eva had melted right out of the ziplock baggy that it was in, and began oozing into her back-pack.  Luckily her mom had found it just in the nick of time.  I profusely apologized to the mom and hoped to God we would still be invited back for playdates.  Because as any mom knows, once you find a good family for playdates, you gotta keep that shit going!



Slime had soon ruined our lives.


It had turned from the greatest craft invention of all time, to the craft of HELL.

It was EVERYWHERE.  On our furniture, in our clothes, in our hair, in our mouths, and in our ears.

Sadly, it was time to shut down our slime business......... much to my children's dismay.



And we were back to colouring books.  


Insert a regular eye roll with a sigh.  


It's unfortunate that our slime days are over.  We had a good run.


Perhaps one day someone will invent a slime that does not slime our lives.

GASP!!!!  That's it!!!


"LOLA!!  PULL OUT THE SLIME INGREDIENTS!  MOMMY'S GOT A NEW IDEA!!!"


;)




Here is a video that Lola made when we were in the prime of our slime days.  The ending pretty much describes how we all felt.


Enjoy!

video












Monday, 18 September 2017

The Barber Shop




It had been 6 long months since Handsome Guy and I had seen each other.  But once we did, and had decided to give our relationship another try, we got right back into our delicious little romance.  

I MIGHT tell you how our decision to get back together came to be, at a later time that is.....but for now, I think I'll keep that golden little nugget snug in my back pocket ......for a teeny bit longer ;)


Anyway, Handsome Guy and I again behaved like a brand new couple that just started dating.

Our time together was completely focused on each other.  And just like a hot, new couple, none of our single life intercepted with our dating life.  

It was all Ridiculous Girl and Handsome Guy.....all the time.  And I loved it.



Until.......several weeks ago, when I went to visit Handsome Guy for the weekend, and he had announced the most absurd thing that I had ever heard.


"Babe, I'm so sorry, but I forgot that I have a hair appointment at the same time that you arrive.  Would you mind if we took a quick detour to the Barber Shop, and then we'll go out for dinner after??"


GASP!!


I didn't know what to say.  


Of course I wanted to be that super cool, super chill, go-with-the-flow girlfriend that did absolutely whatever everyone else did, and at the same time remained positively happy and content even though all of her own plans had gone right out the window and now she was forced to do something completely different that was not pre-planned or pre-meditated or pre-written on a list or in a HOT PINK AND GOLD AGENDA!!?!!!!?



But instead I answered calmly.....


"Absolutely babe!  I'd love to!" 


As soon as I hung up the phone, I thought,  God, I hope he believed that!?


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


As we approached the Barber Shop, I felt a tad guilty that I secretly wanted this to be a quick 5 minute appointment so that we could get back to what was REALLY important.....our hot dating life and our endless make-out sessions.  After all, every moment counted.

And then I felt even more guilty when we got to the salon and Handsome Guy held the door open for me and said, "Thanks again for coming with me to this appointment gorgeous.  After you."  

Sigh.

He was so damn sweet.  

I guess I could spare more than 5 minutes of my life in a boring salon for a bit of manly beautifying, couldn't I??

I giggled and gave him a quick peck on the cheek, as I stepped into the salon.  

And when I did, I was completely caught off guard.


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  


I stepped in through the door, and immediately 7 men whipped their heads around to look at me.   

Two of these men were cutting hair, 4 of them drinking beer at the bar (yes, there was a bar!?)... and the bartender..........all of them with their eyes locked me.

I sort of got scared.  

I stopped dead in my tracks and didn't move a muscle.

Handsome Guy laughed under his breath, and then said hi to the bartender.  He then gently placed his hand on my lower back and carefully nudged me forward......as if to say it's ok, they won't bite.

As I slowly moved forward, and the boys had finally looked away, I then had the opportunity  to take in my surroundings.  


The barber shop was just.....incredible.


There was a massive mahogany bar right at the main entrance.  

The bartender (who I learned was also the owner) was behind the bar cleaning a beer glass with a pristine white dish cloth which he afterwards threw over his shoulder. 

The 4 young men at the bar who were drinking (I'm assuming craft beers), had perfectly trimmed hair and perfectly groomed beards.  After they had finished looking at me, they went back to their drinks and their quiet conversations.  

I went to take a step towards them but my foot gently hit a large dog sprawled out at my feet.  

"Sorry about that" the owner said laughing, "He's old, don't mind him.  Just step right over".


Handsome Guy bent down to pet ol' yeller, and I continued to absorb this foreign land that I had just entered.

I was completely mesmerized.

The shop was super vintage.  

The inside was covered from floor to ceiling in wood, and there was a blue, white and red barber shop pole to the side of the bar.  

Every square inch of the shop was busy with posters and little shelves that housed unique men's hair and beard products.

I slowly walked around while the men chatted.  I continued to take in every square inch of space. It was so different from your typical girls salon which was always filled with chatty and gossipy ladies, the aroma of hair dye and bleach, and obscene fluorescent lighting.
Handsome Guy brought me a glass of white wine and led me to a small seating area which was dim and quiet.  

I sat down on the very comfortable and worn-in brown leather loveseat and placed my wine on the round glass table in front of me.  

On the table were 3 things - an old chess set, a book called "How to spot a hipster", and a vintage Playboy magazine.....from 1980, the "Girls of Canada" edition.  

How appropriate I thought  ;)


I couldn't get enough of this place.

The ambience, the vintage feel, the quiet conversationalists, the drinks, the dog, the baseball game playing in the background,  the lingering stares when I walked in, the leather couches, the smells.........it was all so.......MANLY!!!  


And then suddenly, it hit me.


GASP!!


I was in .......a man cave!!


But not just any man cave.  Ladies and gentlemen,......I was in THE man cave!!


No wonder the guys couldn't stop staring at me when I first entered.  

I had passed through the gates of their fortress!  

Somehow, I had been lucky enough to have been invited to their pad...... their underground layer.....their dungeon!


And because of their stares, I was almost positive that I was amongst only a few special ladies that were allowed to come to this special place.




I suddenly realized that Handsome Guy wasn't just making me tag along to one of his regular hair appointments.  

Handsome Guy had thought that I was cool enough....... and special enough...... to come with him.......where he could present ME to the men of the man cave!


I had never felt more special!! 


As Handsome Guy sat quietly getting all trimmed and proper, he looked over subtly and winked at me.


I bit my lip and smiled back.



I then took a deep breath, leaned back into the supple brown leather couch,  took a sip of my white wine and continued reading my magazine.


Huh?!  Who knew I'd be SO goddam comfortable in a barber shop??


And all it took was one Ridiculous Girl, one Handsome Guy, one barber shop, one lazy dog........and the Girls of Canada ;)











Monday, 21 August 2017

My Way Home.



I remember growing up as a little Polish kid in the suburbs.

My family was small, but very close.  We did everything together.

And Sundays were my absolute favourite family day of the week.


Every Sunday, we would wake up late, eat Mama's home-made apple bran muffins for breakfast, get dressed in our fancy clothes and go to church for the late mass.

By the time church was done and we got home, it was early afternoon (Polacks LOVED their long masses after all)  and my parents would immediately start preparing a massive feast for dinner.  

It was the same almost every Sunday.  Steak (medium-rare of course), home-made french fries and Mama's special vinaigrette salad.

I remember those days vividly.  

The food, the smells, the clothes.......but most of all, the music.


A Sunday never passed without music filling every square listening space of our home.

Whether it was Elvis Presley, Harry Belafonte, Polish waltzes, or The Righteous Brothers, my dad always made sure that music was a huge part of our lives.

Songs like "Doggie in the Window", "Are you lonesome tonight?" or "Jump in the line" will forever have me remembering the times when my dad would suddenly pull my mom away from making dinner just to steal a kiss or pull her close for a dance.....just for a brief moment :)

Even though I'm sure I was totally grossed out in the moment as a kid by my parent's outward and way too obvious expression of love......now I look back on those days wishing I could go back and witness it again..... just for a second.


But even though that loving moment is now just a memory, my passion and love of music is anything but.  

Those songs, the lyrics, the voices, everything about the music that my dad played every week, had slowly been imprinting itself into my DNA.  

And from then on,  my love of music was born.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Fast forward a few years later to a super cool, and super stylish 15-year old me :)

Let's just picture for a second what I may have possibly been wearing during those early 90's.   

Definitely acid wash jeans (with safety pins going up each of the legs, obviously!), Tretorn running shoes (which I still attest are the COOLEST shoes to have ever been designed) and of course, my Use Your Illusion Guns N Roses t-shirt (a shirt that I wore WAY too often, but could honestly not get enough of).

Oh yes, folks........Ridiculous Girl.....I mean Ridiculous TEEN,  had gone through almost a decade of 80's pop music, only to finally come across the greatest rock band to have ever been formed. 

Guns N Roses.


I mean, we could PROBABLY end the blog right here.....but let's keep going, shall we??

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My love of GNR had sparked a whole new world of music for me, and since that age, I have been completely obsessed with rock.

Over the past couple of decades though, this love has transformed slightly to a more specific genre.....mostly because I HAD to move on because Axl and Slash became very selfish and stopped creating new music because they couldn't get along, and thus created incredible frustration and dissatisfaction amongst their biggest fans who literally lived for their music and thrived with every new song they made.

But I'm not bitter.  >:(

Anyway, being forced to move on (in such an unnecessary way), I had stumbled upon a type of music called alternative rock.  And soon bands like The Killers, Arcade Fire, Future Islands, Alt-J and July Talk had begun blowing my mind.


Knowing this, it should come as no surprise to you that for the last 2 years, I have attended the WAYHOME music festival - which lucky for me is held every year only 20 mins from my home :)


Year 1, I bought tickets the day they came on sale.


Year 2, I became slightly spoiled, and waited until just a few weeks before purchasing my wristband.


This year......well......let's just say that I sort of messed everything up! And not only did I get the weekend of the festival completely wrong but I also waited until there was almost no chance of getting any wristbands at a decent price whatsoever.

When my cousin brought to my attention that a local radio station in my area was giving away tickets to the festival for free, I delicately asked my daughters if they would like to wait with mommy in the pouring rain for an hour to get tickets to a "show that was REALLY, REALLY COOL and played REALLY AWESOME MUSIC!!?"

Molly laughed a mean laugh and said "No way Mommy!!  I'm not dettin' WET fo TITETS!!!  Dat's lite....da WORST!!!!"

Lola chimed in, "Yeah Mommy....sorry!  But that sounds, like, HORRIBLE!"

I sighed as I kept on thinking how I could possibly attend this incredible musical event.


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


3 days before Wayhome #3


Time was ticking.  

The music event of the year was slowly approaching.

I still had no tickets.

One by one my cousins reached out asking if I was going, letting me know that they had all received their wristbands.  And I started to panic, ever so slightly.

But I would not give up.

And I knew, deep in my heart, then when I wanted something bad enough, the universe would ALWAYS figure out a way to make it happen.

Especially when it came to my love of music.

And I knew that if I wished for something badly enough, just like when I wished for Guns N Roses tickets after both shows had completely sold out, SOMEBODY would come forth and grant me my wish.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The day before the event, I got a random call from my beloved friend Marina, who I hadn't seen in months.  

Marina was a fabulous chick, and a fellow alternative rock lover like myself.  That alone made her fabulous!

She asked me if I needed a ticket to Wayhome as she had an extra one and was looking to get rid of it before the event.




After I finished screaming, she laughed and said she'd leave it for me on my front porch tomorrow.  And then she ended the call with .....


"Enjoy the show DARLING!! xo"



The next day, and the day of the festival, I came home to my front porch to find this hanging from Mama's palm plant....... 









I squealed,  grabbed the wristband, got dressed, and raced to WAYHOME!


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Once I got there, I texted the person who was meeting me at the gates.  

A certain someone who I had met at this festival 3 years ago.  

He texted back immediately saying that he was already there waiting.


To say that I was excited for this moment was an under-statement.  


I checked how I looked one more time, and then quickly made my way to the main entrance.

I suddenly saw him.

One look in my direction, and he smiled that delicious smile that I remembered so well.


I proudly scanned my Wayhome wristband, and when the security guard gave me the nod of approval to go on through, I couldn't wait any longer.  


And I finally ran and jumped into Handsome Guy's arms.  


"Mmmmm, I missed you", he rumbled.



We didn't dare move from our spot.  

We were glued to each other.....and we kissed as a lineup of people continuously scanned their wristbands behind us to get into Wayhome.


As the scanner beeped every few seconds behind us, I realized how excited everyone must be to attend this amazing event.


But I don't think ANYBODY was as excited as us.


For it was Handsome Guy and I who truly found our way home that day.



;)





Stay tuned for more on Ridiculous Girl and Handsome Guy xo