It was a quiet evening in Ridiculousville.
The sun was setting, the weather was hot and I was working hard on my garden.
I sat on my front lawn pulling out dandelion after dandelion, while intermittently wiping the sweat from my nose with my fancy new leopard print gardening gloves.
My new gloves looked super cool with my AC/DC shirt, my leopard-print Von Dutch baseball hat and my blue-tint aviator sunglasses.
Note: One must ALWAYS look cool while gardening. It is the outfit that takes gardening from "boring old lady" to "hip young mommy".
Write that down.
I then took a short break from weeding to tend to my flower garden, and I began un-packaging my new solar lanterns.
For those of you who don't know me, this is how I work best. I jump from task to task to task until all tasks are completed. Some may say I have a problem with staying focused but I think that...............wait, what was I saying??
Anyway, I carefully placed each lantern in a unique location (equally spaced apart) and then finished the look with new brown mulch.
I stood up, took a step back and crossed my arms. I smiled as I took in my beautiful new garden. It was perfect!
I was very happy with my progress.
I would DEFINITELY win this competition!
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The summer is always a very busy time for me.
Not only do I spend almost every single weekend at the cottage, which is a challenge in itself when you have a full-time job, 2 small children and a house to take care of.....but on top of all that, I take on gardening ever summer like my life depended on it!
Every year I work harder and harder on my lawn and garden.
Since I moved into my small townhouse 3 years ago, I have decreased the number of weeds that pop up each year, I have increased the lush-ness and green-ness of the grass and I have planted new flowering trees and plants.
I hope to single-handedly bring the population of bees back to their original numbers!! (Everyone jumps up screams "Ridiculous Girl for CONGRESS! YAY!!!")
Anyway, gardening has become a very fun project for me and I have thoroughly enjoyed the progress that I've been making each year.
In fact, my lawn and gardening skills have become SO GOOD that my front yard has gotten quite a bit of attention from the local neighbours in Ridiculousville.
And it has ACTUALLY started a bit of a friendly competition.
A little something we decided to call "Lawn Wars"....... in which me and my neighbours compete for the best lawn.
It started off with just a couple of us, but this summer, most of the street is involved.
We have even found a judge - an un-biased neighbour/friend who lives on another street, and who has agreed to vote on our lawns at the end of the summer.
We are each contributing money to the pool, and the person who wins best lawn in September, will win the grand loot.
We have also come up with criteria for winning.
Please read.....and enjoy:
1) thickness & lushness of lawn
2) green-ness of lawn
3) edging of grass around sidewalks and driveway
4) amount of weeds
5) amount of patches with no grass
6) garden: look and beauty
and finally,
7) overall curb appeal
So as you can see, this is a VERY serious competition.
Wait....did I say friendly competition earlier???
Yes, I did. Scrap that. This is not friendly whatsoever.
This is a fight to the death competition.
There can only be 1 winner. 1 lawn. 1 survivor.
The rest will feel the wrath of having the ugliest lawns in ALL THE LAND!
MOU HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
But again...........TOTALLY FUN!!
YAY!
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After I stood perusing my lawn and snickering to myself about how I was TOTALLY going to win, I went back to de-weeding the grass.
And then......I heard it.
The hecklers.
"HEY LEO!! HOW'S IT GOING OVER THERE???"
I rolled my eyes, but didn't dare look up from my grass. "Hi Jerry" I replied unenthusiastically.
"WOW! LOTS OF WEEDS OVER THERE EH?? DID YOU SEE MY LAWN?? DYLAN AND EVA HELPED ME YESTERDAY! LOOK! NO WEEDS!!"
I yelled back "JERRY! YOU KNOW THE RULES! NO HELPING EACHOTHER! EVERY MAN STANDS ALONE IN THIS COMPETITION!!"
Dylan chimed in "DON'T BE JEALOUS CAUSE OUR LAWNS LOOK BETTER!!"
"DYLAN!!" I yelled again, "MY LAWN IS CLEARLY THE MOST "LUSH" IN THE NEIGHBOURHOOD!! THERE'S NO WAY YOUR LAWNS LOOK BETTER!!!"
The hecklers just burst out laughing and went back to drinking their beers.
Ugh!! Those guys are the WORST!!
They reminded me of the 2 old guys from The Muppet Show who sat up in the rafters and made fun of everybody.
There was NO WAY my neighbours were going to beat me. And it was VERY important that I stayed focused and not let them get in my head.
Tonight, I needed to keep on task and get rid of all of the dandelions. Probably another hour or so.....
"LEO! TAKE A BREAK! COME HAVE A BEER WITH US", Jerry yelled.
ARGH!!!
This is how they're gonna mess me up!! This is how they're gonna win! They're gonna keep distracting me and I won't be able to stay focused!
No. I will NOT let that happen!
I will NOT go over and have a drink.
If I want to win this competition I must stay on track and have a dandelion-free lawn before the end of tonight.
They'll be over there laughing and drinking....and I will be WINNING.......MOU HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA......
Dylan yelled over again, "I BOUGHT THAT GIN SMASH DRINK THAT YOU LIKE....."
"DYLAN. YOU CANNOT SWAY ME WITH YOUR DELICIOUS GEORIGAN BAY CONCOCTIONS!!" I yelled as I threw the 200th dandelion into a yard bag.
"Ok, no problem" he answered calmly, "We'll all have them tonight while you're busy working on your dandelionnnssss", he snickered with the rest of the group.
Urgh!!
Well.
Maybe I'll go over.
And have just one drink.
Those gin smashes are truly delicious after all.
And I should show my camaraderie to the group. And you know.....get in their heads and show them that their heckling isn't affecting me.
But ugh.....what a waste of time when I could be working on my edging!!
As I walked over to the group, they looked shocked that I actually came over and suddenly they all screamed,
"EHHHH LEO! YAY! YOU'RE JOINING US!!!"
I giggled.
I guess my edging can wait.
;)
......to be continued......
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