The dreaded peacock.

This past weekend I took Bruce Lee for a walk.  

If you didn't read my last blog post, then you wouldn't know who Bruce Lee is.  

If this is the case..... then why didn't you read my last entry?  



I will forgive you, on one condition.  That you go back and read the last entry and any other entry you may have missed prior to reading this one.  Please don't tell me that you're busy, or you have kids, or you have to "work"......these are all lame excuses.  Go read my blog.


Anyway, Bruce Lee is my dog.  And he's the most beautiful dog on this planet.



So the other day, Bruce Lee and I went for a walk.  

We have a few routes that we like to take, mostly nature walks.  Through forests, on beaten paths and near ponds and rivers.  

We very often spot wild animals on our hikes, which is always a fun treat for Bruce who likes to chase after the many geese, squirrels, chipmunks and beavers.  Once in a while though, we'll spot a turtle.  The turtle is my favorite.  He moves the slowest, yet manages to scare the living daylights out of my dog just by poking his teeny tiny little head out of his shell.  After one such occasion, where Bruce was embarrassed by yet another turtle, he finally walked away with his head down and tail between his legs.  He was humiliated and pissed off.  And I laughed...and laughed....and laughed.....



Sorry, back to the story!


This past weekend however, Bruce and I came across a different animal.  A very wild and dangerous creature.  An animal so large yet so rarely seen by the public.  Upon spotting it, I quickly jumped and hid behind a bush so that it wouldn't see or attack me.  Luckily for me, Bruce was occupied with a giant rock which he thought was a turtle, so I had time to check out this beast close-up.

I moved a branch carefully and then I had the perfect view.

There he was.  Standing in the sunlight.  He was very shiny.  And he had strange markings all over his body.  He puffed up his chest and then looked around to see if anyone was watching him.  No one was around and he couldn't see me lurking in the bushes so he began grooming himself.  Fixing his hair and checking his nails.  

I prayed to God that he wouldn't see me.  I have had too many experiences with this animal.  I knew that if he spotted me, I was a goner.


After a few more minutes, he finally ran off.  

Phew.

I was safe to walk back home.

"BRUCE!  BRUCE LEE!  Where are you?  Oh for the love....Bruce....it's just a rock.  Let's go!"

I walked home carefully, whipping my head from side to side nervously, making sure the creature wouldn't suddenly come up from behind and surprise me.



Most females have encountered this type of animal before.  Somehow they have a way of finding us.  Of "sniffing us out" and harassing and accosting us.  

BUT....if you haven't yet met one, then I feel it is my duty as Ridiculous Girl to educate you....and the millions of women who read my blog everyday.  You need to know about this horrible creature and how to stay away from it.


The animal that I speak of is........the dreaded PEACOCK.

I don't speak of the bird of course. 

I speak instead of the cockiest man on the face of the planet.  

The guy who thinks he is God's gift to women, but is actually far from it.


Sadly I have a lot of experience with the peacock.  I was in a relationship with a peacock for a very long time.  Obviously I didn't realize he was a peacock at the time.  I would have never settled down with someone who was so into himself.  But alas, I was blinded by love.


Websters definition of a peacock is as follows:

'A male peafowl distinguished by a crest of upright feathers .......which are mostly tipped with iridescent spots and are erected and spread in a shimmering fan usually as a courtship display'.


This definition is not far from what a human peacock does as well. 

The human peacock also tends to display his features in a courtship display.  He obviously doesn't have feathers,  but he does tend to have a standard look.    

I have put together a list of his most common features so that you are able to spot him from miles away.  Please print this list off and put it in your wallet.  I'm telling you.....this will save you in the future.

Ok, here's the list.  The human peacock is:

1.  Perfectly groomed, manicured and tanned.  Absolutely no hair is out of place (and I'm not just talking just the hair on his head and face.)

2.  Will find any opportunity to be shirtless.....even on a cold day, and even indoors when every other man around him is clothed.

3.  Usually covered in tattoos.

4.  Very flashy clothes and running shoes, which are almost always brand new.

and finally, 

5.  Unnecessary "extras".  These may include bandanas, chain necklaces, earrings and man purses.


Use the above list to help you recognize and avoid the human peacock.



The human peacock also has a series of characteristics and behaviors that will immediately draw your attention to them.  Be very careful not to get sucked in.  The human peacock is:

1.  Very loud.  The entire room must know that the peacock is present at all times.

2.  Brags about everything and behaves as if he is the best at absolutely everything he does in life.

3.   Constantly shows-off.  Just like the real peacock, he presents his "feathers" to impress the ladies.

4.  He has a false sense of reality.  He thinks every woman in the world wants him, when in fact, most are laughing at him.  So he does not follow society's path or rules.  He feels he is above everyone.

and,

5.   He is extremely selfish.  If he is in a relationship with a woman, then it is only because the relationship suits him.  He is not interested in a mutually-growing and healthy partnership.  Being with an attractive woman does not suit the peacock.  After being with a beautiful woman who tends to get as much if not more attention than him, that relationship will soon lose it's appeal to the peacock.  The peacock will then move on to a much-lesser attractive bird so that he can go back to the dynamic that he loves the most......in which he is the most beautiful of the pair.



You may be asking yourself now...."where does the peacock live?" and "if he approaches me, how can I avoid him?"

Excellent questions my loyal readers.

The peacock can often be found at the GYM.  Usually in the weight-lifting section.  He brags to everyone that he can bench-press 300 lbs.  

If he approaches you, just run.  Run for your life.  If you brought anything with you, try not to leave it behind.  The peacock has an excellent sense of smell and if you leave a towel or even an earring behind, he will figure out where you live based on a few key scents.

Oh, and if you do suspect a human peacock, ignore him at all costs.  He HATES to be ignored. 


Ok ladies....I think I've covered everything.  

I hope that I helped you today.  If you have any further questions, please don't hesitate to get in touch with me through my blog.


Let me end with a quick story about my last interaction with the peacock.



Last week my girlfriend and I took our kids the park.  As we were sitting under the shade of a tree watching our children laugh and play, a man came to the park with his son.

He was 100% a peacock.  He had all the signs.  The tanned skin, tattoos, perfectly manicured facial hair and of course, shirtless.  Once he spotted us, his courtship dance began.  He jogged around the park several times, did the kid's monkey bars back and forth about 5 times, and then slam-dunked a basketball.  Even his own kid was getting the short-end of the stick on his own park date!  

But the peacock is....well, cocky.  And even though he THINKS he can do everything....he really can't.

This park peacock, jumped on his kid's scooter, in one last attempt to impress us.  But as he jumped on, he lost his footing and the scooter slipped out from underneath him.  He went flying backwards and fell HARD on the asphalt.

The peacock lay there in shock.  After a minute, he stood up and grabbed the scooter and his kid.


He finally walked away, with his head down and his tail between his legs.


He was humiliated and pissed off.



And we laughed......and laughed.....and laughed.......

:)