I need to start off this entry by apologizing to my fan base. I know that all 15 of you were extremely disappointed to see.....or rather......not see, a blog entry from me last week. But before you hate me, I have a very good excuse.
I, literally, had a part of me removed last week.
Last Monday afternoon I was rushed to the emergency room with severe abdominal pains. In my tragic state, I barely made it out of bed and barely made it down the stairs. But as sick as I was, I still momentarily stopped to think about whether I should put on some makeup. I knew with all of the pain I was feeling, I couldn't hold a makeup brush to save my life, but there was a very good chance I would meet a cute doctor there.
Hmmmmm?
Ahh, Screw it.
The thought of applying lipstick, even pale pink, made me stomach churn. This was bad! I needed to get to the hospital. And stat!
Mama was about to open the front door for me when I yelled STOP!
She jumped back 2 feet and put her hand to her heart, "VAT??"
I had my hands on my knees and took a big breath of air to speak.
"My cute neighbour is outside. Let's wait til he leaves."
The rest of my 6 days at the hospital can only be summarized in my next top 20 :)
Please enjoy.
1. No one in the hospital could pronounce my full name, which is Leokadia. I was called Cady, Lee and my all-time favorite, Cadillac.
2. After 6 hours of puking, drinking weird liquids, being put through strange large machines, I am told that I need emergency surgery. Whaaaa??
3. I meet my surgeon. A young, handsome doctor named Dr. Ward. My favorite actor on Marvel's Agents of Shield is named Ward. Coincidence? I think not.
Why....why didn't I put on some lipstick?? I KNEW this would happen! Didn't I tell you this would happen??
4. I beg the nurse to grab my cell for me as I'm being rolled into the OR room. I text my sister as I'm being injected with the anesthetic. Mishi. I'm having emergency surgery. It's serious. It's for jadflsjic;ap;kdfhljfgiohgajgka;zzzzzz
5. I wake up in my new room. My room-mate is a chipper 73-year old woman named Maurine who immediately be-friends me and starts telling me about her many lovers.
6. After whining to Mama on day 3 that I'm "over this" and I want to go home, Mama calls me a "sissy".
7. There is an old woman on our floor who squawks like a parrot when she's upset. OR...perhaps there was a vet on site. I was heavily-sedated so I have yet to figure that one out.
8. I have not eaten in 4 days. The nurses don't think this is a big deal. They must also think I'm a sissy.
9. On the plus side, everyone thinks I'm 28 years old, including Dr.Ward :) Note to self: this whole no-makeup thing may not be so bad after all.
10. The nurses keep telling me to get up and walk around. I keep saying "No thanks, my Mom just got me TV".
11. I finally give in and go for a stupid walk. On one of my very slow walks around the floor, one of the male nurses puts his hands up and says "Whoa! Slow down buddy! haha!"
I go back to my TV. Stupid male nurse.
12. Maurine is well enough to leave. I am sad to see her go. I will miss her sexual stories. My second room-mate is a teen girl who sneaks in her 40-year old boyfriend at night. What is with this room?
13. I finally have gathered up enough courage to look at my stomach. The incisions are bandaged up, but the rest of my stomach is beet red all over. Mama convinces me that it is because I burnt my stomach on my heating pad at home. Petrified of scars, I gently coat my belly in aloe vera gel every night before bed. Turns out that the "red" was just solution rubbed on my belly right before surgery. The nurse laughs so hard at our heating pad-theory while she rubs off the ink with her finger and shows me.
Oh yeah......it's ALL fun and jokes when you're not the one lying in bed!
14. My hair starts to form a life of its own. I take it out of its bun, and it stays......in the exact spiral I formed it in 4 days earlier. I am now confident that there is a vet on site, because I see a family of squirrels and 2 chipmunks go running out of my blonde mane.
Reminder...I was HEAVILY sedated.
15. One of the most difficult challenges of the week was when my slipper would slip just out of reach under the bed. And I, under my sedation, and hooked up to an elaborate intravenous machine, and being barely covered in hospital gowns, sat, trying to fish this slipper out for over 1/2 hour.
I finally got it! Great success!! (said in Borat voice)
16. From my lack of ingestion, I lose the 10 pounds that I just recently put on. So my Kim Kardashian badonk has left the building once more. But not to fret my friends! I have created, for myself, a diet rich in BLT's and Peak Freans Fruit Creme cookies that is sure to bring me right back on track in no time. But thank you for your concern
17. An old guy on our floor wakes up screaming every morning at 4am. It shoots me out of the bed and onto the ceiling like a terrified cat everyday.
18. 3 puncture wounds in my stomach
19. 2 gross antibiotics
And FINALLY, the reason I ended up in the hospital in the first place.
And also, for your added entertainment, and because I love class participation so much, please sing this part as you would sing the last line in "Twelve Days of Christmas"....the partridge in a pear tree part.......ok....go.....
20. AND 1 RUPTURED APPENDIX RE-MOVEDDDDDDDDDD!! :)
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