It's a state of mind.

A song once said that “Breaking up is hard to do”.

But it didn’t quite specify whether it was harder or easier the second time around?

After getting back together again with Handsome Guy, I realized that although we had something pretty amazing, we were again unable to take things to the next level.  And it was very clear to me that  despite all of our best efforts, our relationship had unfortunately reached another dead end.

Once I finally realized that “us” couldn’t work, I needed to end things with him, immediately.  For my sanity….and for my heart.

And I knew that this time there was no turning back.  

This time was for good.

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I was asked many times after our second break-up if I regretted getting back together again with Brad.  And my answer was always “no”.    

Because for those of you who really know me, know that I always need to be 100% sure about any decision that I make in my life.  Even if it means going back to someone with the possibility of it ending again.  Or worse yet, getting hurt again.

Glutton for punishment you might say?  Stubborn even?  Perhaps…. 

But when it comes to affairs of the heart, I truly believe that if you go through a relationship a second time around and you STILL don’t get what you’re looking for, then ladies and gentlemen,  it’s time to walk.

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After a few days of being single again, I wondered if I would now experience a lull in my world of dating?  Or rather……should I experience a lull? 

My relationship with Handsome Guy over the past year and a half was very fun.  There was never a dull moment.  Our time together, including even the simplest of moments, was always filled with excitement, adventure and passion.  

Now...... even though those 3 things make for a very fun relationship, they were not everything that I was looking for.   And in essence, the longer I stayed with Brad, the longer I denied myself those “things” that I really needed to make me happy.

And now that I was single again, I wondered if I should take a break from dating,  and use that time to figure out what it was that I really needed from a man.

And if I would stay single, then the inevitable question became, how long should this period of soul-searching be?

I’m thinking that it would have to be a solid amount of time. After all, I am a true believer that time spent alone is the healthiest thing you can do for yourself.  And it’s also my belief that too many people jump into another relationship right away rather than dedicating that precious time to themselves.

OK.  So my decision was made! 

I would now be single again.  

And I would do stuff for myself that I didn't do when I was in relationships. 

You know......like, read........and sleep.......

.......and eat......

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But you know.....the funniest thing happened!?

Within only ONE week of Brad and I breaking up, I was asked out by 2 men.

Hmmm, how interesting?  I thought.

Perhaps the universe didn’t want me to be single??  

Maybe the universe wanted me to jump right back into the playing field again??

Or……maybe the universe was TESTING me??

Well, whatever the reason, I felt pulled to decline the romantic gestures by both of these men.  (Do people still say romantic gestures??  I'm not sure.  But let's pretend they still do!)

But even though I said no........ I still wondered whether that was the right thing to do?

As the universe rolled its eyes at me (as I’m sure it often does), it sent me a couple more tests.  At least I thought that's what they were.

A few more messages from Brad…….being asked out by yet another man……and then finally...... a friend who tried to set me up with a dad from her kid’s basketball team who apparently “would be PERFECT for me….”

Well, all of that combined………..and then it finally happened. 

Ladies and gentlemen......I snapped :)

Ok...... you know me.  I never reeeeaaaalllllllyyyyy snap. 

But I did tell everyone....in a very polite, yet very ASSERTIVE voice, that I needed to be left alone.

Finally!  I had once again found myself in that amazing state of mind.  

Confident in my decision,  and happy :)

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As the weeks as a newly single woman pressed on, I felt very peaceful.  

I caught up on my reading and I caught up on my sleep.

And as for eating again,  I went right back to my late night binges of cheetos, old Hallowe'en candy and Peek Frean cookies :)  Because for some reason I think I'm the only woman in the world who is happy after she pigs out on the worst foods ever.

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Anyway, I realized over the years that there must be a reason why I'm rarely asked if I'm dating anyone. 

When I finally asked a girlfriend why, she replied simply, "Because you're happy all the time, not just when you're in a relationship".

That was one of the best things I have ever heard in my life.

Because being single is not just a status for me.  It's a state of mind :)

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I'd love to tell you what my next chapter holds when it comes to my love life, but I can't foretell the future, so I have no clue what's in store.

But I'm sure that this Ridiculous Girl will always have stories for you. (Actually I still have stories up my sleeve that I haven't even shared with you yet!)

In the meantime, I walk from one page to the next....onto that next chapter of my life.

And I'm lucky enough to do it with my 2 best friends.

Because when, as a single momma, are you ever really alone ;)