Once there lived a beautiful maiden named Ridiculous Girl.
Ridiculous Girl lived in a small and humble townhome in the suburbs in Ontario, Canada with her 2 lovely and rambunctious daughters.
Most days Ridiculous Girl was happy and boisterous, and just as exuberant as her girls. But lately, she felt different and out of sorts. Her energy had just...vanished, and she often found herself staring off in the distance waiting for something. But she didn't know what?
One cold December afternoon, she stood bundled up and shivering with her hands and chin propped up on her shovel handle as she lightly kicked the snow with her right foot. There was 2 feet of snow under her, and it continued to come down, but Ridiculous Girl was just way too exhausted to even think of moving any of it off the driveway.
When her neighbour, from across the street, looked over at her, she sighed out loud.
"Sighhhhhhh...."
When he ignored her and went back to shovelling, she sighed even louder ..."SIGHHHHHH!".....and then accidentally (maybe purposely) dropped her shovel. Her neighbour rolled his eyes and then finally came over and cleared the lane for her.
Ridiculous Girl was so frustrated, but she couldn't figure out what was wrong? Even on her cold morning commute to work, she couldn't find the motivation to blare Guns N Roses or house music in order to get her pumped up for her 8 hours at the medical centre where she was often verbally accosted by patients. Instead, she just cranked the booty-warmer and trembled as she drove to work, all while angrily trying to find a spot through the ice to look through her front windshield.
"Where has my spirit gone?" she thought. "Is this the new low-energy version of me?? Had I gotten older and somehow lost my bounce?? And when have I NOT been in the mood to listen to Axl Rose or dance music?? Something is VERY wrong with me :( "
But one day, as Ridiculous Girl sat talking about life and the universe with her spiritually in-tune sister, it finally came to her.
"I AM SO FLIPPING COLD!!!" she screamed.
Her sister, who in that moment was probably meditating and thinking of star formations, practically fell off the couch.
Ridiculous Girl continued, "I am SO SICK of being cold. Do you know how many friggin' baths I took today??? THREE!! I took 3 stupid, insanely-hot baths!! With NO cold water! And the minute I got out, I was COLD AGAIN!! I CANNOT handle this ANYMORE!! The cold is literally sucking my will to live!!!"
And with that realization, Ridiculous Girl knew EXACTLY what to do.
And with a snap of her ruby red fingernails, Ridiculous Girl was in glorious and HOT MEXICO!!!
Aside:
Now, when we said "snap", we actually meant:
A) a phone call to Ridiculous Girl's Mama to start organizing a fabulous week away, B) crazy, last-minute photos and passport applications,
C) arrangements at work to take extra time off
and,
D) an appointment with the hairstylist where platinum locks were faithfully restored yet again.
So when we said "snap of the fingers", it was actually a goddam MIRACLE that this trip actually happened.
Ok, back to the story....
As Ridiculous Girl got to the resort, followed by her dutiful entourage; her 2 daughters, her sister and Mama (obviously!) she finally started thawing out from her cold and snow-ridden homeland.
It started with a drink being delivered at check-in. "Just FABULOUS", she thought as she took a sip of the delicious hibiscus concoction. And then Ridiculous Girl grabbed a pen from the concierge and wrote down in her notebook: Ask work to consider such hibiscus beverages throughout the day when patients get all angry-pants. I feel like management MIGHT say no, but try anyway.
Her happiness continued as she changed into an easy and relaxed outfit, consisting of a long and flowing skirt, tank top and sandals - MINUS the thick sweater, parka, scarf, hat, insulated mitts, Sorel boots and ski goggles. She threw her hair into an easy top-knot and skipped out the door with her entourage for a meal (that she would NOT have to prepare - yay!!) at one of the resort's restaurants.
The thaw of 2017 continued as Ridiculous Girl and her daughters slept in the next morning, then threw on their bikini's and made their way down to the pool where they set up loungers in the perfect sun/shade location to camp out for the rest of the day.
The children played for hours and hours in the pool while Ridiculous Girl periodically changed sunglasses (classic Ridiculous Girl move!), rotated from back-lying to front-lying (ensuring perfect tan coverage) and read part of Amy Schumer's latest book (did you know that she's an introvert?? who would've guessed, eh??).
With each hour Ridiculous Girl got more and more relaxed. By day 2 she even did the aquafit class at noon with Fernando the aerobics instructor. (Yes! Ridiculous Girl worked out!! Yet another miracle!!)
By day 3, Ridiculous Girl had gotten so used to the extreme heat that she was sipping a hot, capuccino in the afternoon, just like the locals did - without even breaking a sweat. May we add that the cappuccino was prepared by Jesus. Not the real Jesus of course..... that would be taking miracles to a WHOLE other level! But by the waiter Jesus. And we'd also like to add that the cappuccino was set on fire as it was served - but then we'd feel like we were bragging, so we'll leave that part out.
It was 4 days into her vacation and Ridiculous Girl had not taken ONE BATH to warm up. Not one!! She had just naturally become one hot tamale on her trip - and she was happier and more energetic than ever. She even felt like she could join the fire dancing trio that performed one evening - well, until the guy swallowed a flaming stick, and looked like he was about to die.....so then she decided to just stick to her very dangerous daily workout of her long, walk on the beach.
By the 5th day, Ridiculous Girl was on cloud 9. She knew everyone who worked at the resort by name,....Fernando, Miguel, Jesus, Miguel #2, Jesus #2, Miguel #3 and Jose, and happily skipped by as they presented her with gifts of Tequila, cerveza and sangria.
That evening as Ridiculous Girl and her entourage made their way to the beach to watch a mexican band perform (in their own-words) "classic rock", she could only hope and pray that her favourite band would be in the mix.
And as fireworks boomed in the sky, the band began playing "Sweet Child O' Mine".
And Ridiculous Girl went to Mexican heaven.
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It was Ridiculous Girl's last night in beautiful Mexico, and what better way to celebrate the most fabulous trip, than a night on the town with her ridiculous sister.
Ridiculous Girl had finally shed all of her cold, winter baggage. And this Mexican seniorita was ready to PARRRRR-TAYYYYY!!!
She and her sister jumped out of the cab and danced their way into Mandala night club.
The tall bouncer tried to stop them to put on those ugly plastic club bracelets on their wrists, but Ridiculous Girl just pulled her hand away and laughed. Silly little bouncers!! Ridiculous Girl was on a whole other level....and she was practically untouchable as she danced her way into the VIP lounge :)
And just when things couldn't get any better, a song from her past boomed onto the speaker system.
The song, Toca's Miracle by Fragma blared, and it instantly took Ridiculous Girl back. Back to a trip 10 years ago with her girlfriends, in beautiful and sunny....and hot, Mexico :)
And Ridiculous Girl knew at that moment, that life was beautiful and filled with dancing, and family and friends and happy times.
And that miracles do come true :)
THE END.
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"TELL IT AGAIN MOMMY!! TELL IT AGAIN!!!!"
"No, my angels. It's time for you both to go to bed."
"AWWWW :( "
"Maybe tomorrow night. I love you Lola. I love you Molly".
And I kissed both of my daughters on their heads, pulled up their covers, and turned off their lights.
I stood at the door for a second and blew them a kiss and quietly snuck out.
And then I went to the bathroom.............to have another f'ing BATH!
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