MexiCanada

I run into my girlfriend at the Y one day.

“Hi Babe!"  she yells across the gym "We’re going out for Carrie's birthday this weekend.  You should come!  We're going SALSA DANCING!"

"Definitely!  I'm THERE!" I yell back.

I put my earphones back in my ears and continue watching The Ellen Degeneres Show while keeping a nice, slow pace on the treadmill.   

I start thinking of the outfit I will choose for my salsa event.  Thank God I got this treadmill session in this week.......my body will look slammin'.

As the week progresses however, I start to panic.  Salsa?  I don’t salsa!  shit.  Why did I say yes?

“Babe.  You SHOULD go!  You'll have so much fun!  And you'll meet new people!  Totally out of your element!”  

My BFF finally convinces me.

She’s right. I need to step out of my comfort zone right now. 



My friend texts me the night of the party.

"If you can get someone to drive you to my house, then we can all drink.  Someone will drive you home after."

I call my ride.  “Hi Mama.  Can you drive me to a party tonight??” 

"Vat?  Okay.  Vy?  Vill u be drinking?"

sigh.  I feel like I’m 13 years old.

My mom, at 64, drives the hottest little red sportscar.  

"Seeet straight!!"  she yells at me while we're driving.

"I can't fit in your car Mama!   And keep your eyes on the road!  You're scaring the crap out of me!"

"Oh, don't exx-agggerate."  

Mama's new favorite word "exaggerate".  She throws it in as often as she can.
  
I look over at her.  She put on a leopard print coat, bedazzled jeans and stilettos for our 10-minute drive.

We arrive at my friend's house.

"Okay!  Don't GO CRAZZYYYY!!" she yells from the car as I jump out. 

And then like Fast and the Furious, she speeds away. 




2 hours later, my friends and I are standing in front of the ugliest building I've ever seen in my life.

I look up.  There's a sign that reads:  MEXICANADA.  

Oh dear Lord.  What have I gotten myself into.
This is a far cry from my Toronto clubbing days where the bouncer would spot me and my girls in line and yell...."you 3....come on in" as everyone else looked on in envy. 

I look at the window, there is another sign that says “Sorry.....we’re closed!”.
I'm getting very nervous about all this.

“This is IT!”  my girlfriend announces.

“This???”  I say, my face all scrunched up.  

“You’ll love it!”  She grabs my arm and drags me in.

The music is so loud it’s making my ears hum and there is so much condensation on the windows that you can't see the street.  And there are weird little Mexican dolls with big eyes staring at me from every corner.  

Where the heck am I?

The place is the size of my ensuite at home, and the band, in the corner of my ensuite, is already in full swing.

Women are seated at every table drinking massive margaritas....most of them with multiple straws.  They check out the competition as we walk in.

My girlfriend looks at me "Sangria?" she asks.

"You're kidding right?"  I answer.

She laughs and heads to the bar.

I walk over to our table, but the waiter says the entire section is reserved for us.

"Hun, is this whole section for US?  There's room for like, 50 people in here!  I thought this was a small birthday get-together?"  I ask as she's balancing 4 sangrias in her hands.

"No babe! Carrie has like, a million friends.  One of them is a transvestite.  I hope I sit near her.  Apparently she's the life of the party!"

"Yeah, no doubt!"  I say as I chug my sangria. 

As the night progresses, things start getting fuzzy.  I'm pretty sure I start talking to one of those weird little Mexican dolls.  

There's a pole on the dance floor.  I don't go too close to it in fear that I might catch an STD.  But the transvestite is working that pole like her gender depended on it. 

I'm sweating buckets after the band's version of Gipsy Kings' Bamboleo.   I'm feeling like I should have increased the speed on my treadmill the other day to 3.6 instead of my usual 3.4.

At 2am, all the wait staff start dancing with us.

"Are you guys having fun?"  the one guy asks us, as he's salsa dancing towards me.....a huge smile on his face.

"Uh, yeah.  Ummm, weren't you serving me drinks earlier?"  I ask.

"Oh yeah!  That's the great thing about this place!  We get to work, AND party"

I smile.  Great.  Who's gonna get me my sangrias now?

It's 3am.
"Hun, I'm exhausted"   I take off my stilettos and start rubbing my feet.
"I know right!! Carrie won't stop!  She just told me that the party is continuing at my house!  There's no way!  I'm ready to pack it in for the night!"

After an hour-long conversation with the tranny outside about how her ex is a, in her words, "a cheating piece of shit", we are finally putting on our coats to leave.

"Oh no! You guys aren't leaving are you?"  says the waiter-turned-go-go-dancer.

"Yeah. We've gotta goooo." I say in the most sincere voice I can muster.

"But it's so early!"

I look at my watch.  4:05am.  He's kidding right?  I should have been asleep 7 hours ago.

"Ok, well, come back soon ladies!"  he yells as I'm walking out the door.


Just our luck, on the drive home we hit the biggest snow storm I've ever seen.
My friend whispers in my ear "Don't panic, but....Carrie just learned how to drive."

"WHAT?!"  I yell.

"Shhhhhhh.  I said DON'T PANIC!  It's fine.  I haven't had a drink in like, 3 hours so I can probably drive if she really starts to get nervous.

Jesus Christ.  This is insane.  I'm too old for this.

I grab my cell and hold it securely in my hand.  I can just picture the call 

......."Hi Mama. Yes.  I know. I KNOW it's 4'o'clock.  Yes....I understand you were sleeping.  I know you're MAD.  Just come and get me ok?  Yes, I know the car is already locked in the garage for "safe-keeping".  Just come and get me ok?  Yes, I promise this won't happen again.   NO, I'm not exaggerating."

After an hour and a half, I'm finally at home.  I probably should invite the girls to sleep over, because the roads truly are horrific and they really shouldn't drive any further, but I don't.  I'm selfish that way.   I climb into my gigantic bed and I turn on the sound machine.  Then I put on my sleep mask  that says "Not tonight" and I tuck my hands under my pillow and close my eyes.

I'm so happy to be home.  

That was the craziest night of my entire life.

I will never do that AGAIN!






The next morning my girlfriend texts me:  "2 weeks from now.....Latin Festival in Toronto!  You're coming with!"




Oh Lord save me.